Recently I had a relapse with my stomach issues. One morning I awoke with soreness in my stomach and back pain. I couldn't understand it, since for the last 6 months, I've been doing very well. In fact, I thought that I had managed to find an equilibrium in my eating habits. Granted, the weight I lost so rapidly last year never returned. But the gauntness in the face had disappeared. However total recovery was not mine. It must have been something I ate last week that set off the problems again. Reluctantly, I began another course of Prilosec.
I stopped eating except for one meal of the day. While sick, I lost 4 pounds. But I didn't worry since I thought it most likely water weight. However I nervously watched my face for that sick look again, that grey faced tinge. Since lunch was not an option, I spent my lunch hours wandering my work neighborhood...watching people eat. But that was a bit too creepy. People were giving me nervous looks.
So instead I started to haunt clothing stores. I visited all the major chains, Banana Republic, GAP, H&M, Levi's and Abercrombie & Fitch.
Abercrombie & Fitch.
When I was younger and fat, that store was my bane. I loved their clothing. This was before everything in the chain became ridiculously expensive. But one element that always remained was the fact that their clothing ran small. And my shape would never fit into anything. Maybe once in awhile one piece would come in a size 12, if I was lucky. But it wasn't often. Of course, I blamed this sad body state on myself. Because I didn't accept that my shape was just destined to be solid. It was designed to survive frozen tundra after all. Oh, but how I tried to lose weight. I even once managed to reach a weight slightly heavier than what I am now. But still small enough to fit into AF clothing. How pathetically happy that made me. Then my body forced me back to my set point.
I had gotten rid of all my smaller clothing when I had decided to accept my body size. That was just before I got sick. But I still kept one pair of AF pants. Just in case.
And just in case happened, just not in the way I envisioned it. And those pants I kept, no longer fit, they are very loose now.
The money required to buy a whole new wardrobe, because my regular sized clothing no longer fit, was considerable. It gave me no joy. In fact I still had hang ups about shopping in general. In front of each store, I cringed because I was still in the mindset that nothing would fit me. It still happens.
When I visited the Fifth Avenue AF, I was terrified. I crept around ready to jump at the slightest word. All the time expecting one of the sales assistants, dancing around (literally), to tell me that I was in the wrong place. I grabbed pants in a wide range of sizes, because I could no longer judge my shape properly.
While in the dressing room, I avoid the mirror out of habit. But also because I'm surprised by it's reflection. In my mind's eye, I see the woman I once was. She is heavy but healthy looking. The thinner woman I see now, doesn't seem to be me. She doesn't look like me. She fits into the smallest pants I have on hand. How did she manage to do that? At Abercrombie & Fitch, of all places!
I looked at that thin woman in the mirror wearing those nice jeans. And thought about that dream of thinness I used to have. I thought being thin would make me ecstatic. I thought I would be frantically happy, that life would be easier. That buying clothing in some of the trendiest stores would be a lark. That in the process of being thin, I would turn into an amazingly beautiful creature. I thought my life would be like that AF promotional photo shown at the top of this post.
Well none of that happened. And right now, I think having my old heavier body back and having the ability to eat without pain is far better than fitting into AF jeans.
Labels: fashion, fat acceptance, personal
