It took a long time for me to get used to my reflection after my weight loss.
When I was younger, I thought a smaller clothing size would lead to eternal happiness. All that really happened was having to spend extra money to purchase clothing that fit me right. There was no happiness. There was a lot annoyance because much of the larger clothing I could no longer wear was quite nice.
Still after all that has happened I would still be considered round. The BMI scale, created on people who didn't make a living on frozen tundra, still gives me the indication that I am overweight. In order to get to "normal" according to the BMI would mean more weight loss in the range of 10 to 15 pounds.
10 to 15 pounds. I can't even imagine how that would be possible. How? My meals are tiny compared to everyone else (even thin people). And even with tiny portions and tiny bites, my weight will hover at this new median. To lose those "extra" pounds to be "BMI healthy" would mean that I would have to subsist on my sick diet of one yogurt a day. And to stay at the BMI healthy weight would mean fasting...lots and lots of days with nothing to eat.
Even at "overweight" I have protruding parts. My Niece, having reached the age when girls do start to worry about their weight, expressed disgust at my jutting wrist bones. It wasn't anything I noticed until she pointed it out. As a result I noticed that my ankle bones stick out, as well as having knobby knees and pointy elbows. When having bad stomach issues from time to time, my collar bones become a bit more visible. This was never the case when I had weight and felt healthy. Bony parts are a little disturbing, to see as well as feel. Because, I suppose, it highlights body fragility...or body morbidity.
I can't even begin to imagine what would stick out if I lost more weight to be considered healthy. But I do know, that even if I could manage to fight my body's directive for weight stasis, and lose 10 pounds...I would still be round. Nothing in this world will ever change my shape to be taller and willowy. I'm round with or without weight.
Right now, I'm round with bony parts sticking out.
I found this video on The Fat Nutrionist site. Its a clip of one of Warhol's Factory members, Brigid Polk, shooting herself up with speed in order to get courage to attend a pool party. She is young and has everything to look forward to in life. But instead shipwrecks on the shoals of body dysmorphia. I understand her plight all to well.